One of the most heartbreaking events of my life as a pregnant teen and very young mother was the loss of my friends. At a time when I needed support and understanding, I found myself alone save for one loyal friend and her mother. I find myself now in a situation altogether too similar, but I’m standing on the other side looking in.
When I was pregnant, my friends started dropping like flies. Some were honest about their reasons, others were cruel, and yet more simply drifted away without explanation or excuse. I heard it all: that I wasn’t fun anymore because I couldn’t go out, that my fear and anxiety were a downer, that I was – ahem – shall we say, a girl of ill repute?
A couple of friends told me that they weren’t allowed to be my friend anymore, by threat of their mothers. This astounded me. How could a mother be so cruel? I thought. I’d NEVER make my daughter abandon a friend in need!
But, as one faced with impending OMG YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A BABY! is wont to do, I focused and concentrated on my upcoming Life Event and gravitated to the one friend I had left and her mother, who I mentioned at the beginning of this post continued to stand by me.
They were lifesavers. My friend’s mom was quietly supportive of me without actually condoning the actions that brought me to my delicate state. She gave neutral, unbiased advice, and helped me to see the situation from the eyes of other people whose lives would be affected by my decision to keep the baby. She continued to welcome me into her home, she fed me, she watched as I sat on the floor with her young daughter doing French homework, textbook resting on my expanding belly. At the baby shower my friend helped plan, she gave me an enormous basket with formula, infant vitamins, medications, and samples from her husband’s medical clinic. When my daughter was born, my friend, her mother and her grandmother visited me in the hospital, loudly and unashamedly interrupting my first attempt at breastfeeding (which wasn’t going well – my friend’s mom actually helped me out and I got the job done!).
Throughout the years of my adolescence and my daughter’s childhood, my friend and her mom were there for me. Their home was my second home. I was, and have ever since, been grateful for their friendship and support during the last fifteen years.
Now, a situation is unfolding in my life that puts me in the exact same position as my friend’s mother. My fourteen-year-old daughter has a friend, and that friend is going to have a baby. She’s fifteen and will be sixteen when the baby is born. She has decided to keep her baby. And she is not oblivious to the fact that her friends are dropping like flies.
Now, my first gut instinct (and the instinct I will undoubtedly follow) is to allow my daughter to be there for her friend, and to act as quiet advocate like my mother’s friend did for me. Actually, who am I kidding? Allowing my daughter to be her friend like I have any choice in the matter! (Moms of teens, you know what I mean!) Pshaw! You know what I mean.
But now I am also able to see it from the perspective of the mothers who forbade their daughters to associate with me. I feel the sick, irrational fear at the base of my throat that they must have felt. This is a girl who’s given it away too early, I think. Is she a good influence? What if she sets a bad example for my daughter? If I condone this friendship, am I also condoning teen sex and its ramifications? Am I a hypocrite for even thinking this, based on the course my life has taken? Should I discourage my daughter from getting too involved?
Obviously, all that is a CROCK and OF COURSE my daughter and I are understanding and supportive, but shit! In hindsight, I see why I lost so many friends. It’s scary, to be in these shoes. Just like you wouldn’t want your child hanging out with a known drug dealer, you are afraid of what will happen if they are friends with someone who got knocked up. Additionally, you’re afraid that if they see someone who’s so obviously screwed up get all this support and understanding, that they’ll get the idea that this would be okay.
I think this is probably a fear that most mothers have for their daughters, but it’s especially weird for ME to feel this way because it’s tinged with hypocrisy. I was over it in like, three seconds though. I will do unto others as I’ve had done unto me, and I have been DAMN LUCKY.
Let’s hope this young girl is too.
