Transit riders: listen up! I know I’m not alone. I don’t know about you, but I am getting sick and tired of rude, disgusting, obnoxious, entitled, oblivious subway commuters harshing my buzz. To that end, I have compiled a list of things you should not do while riding public transit, on pain of a Gwen Styles death.
1. Do not cut your nails on the subway.
Seriously? You’re really gonna sit there, take out your nail clippers, and proceed to trim your ghetto claws in public?! Not only is the click-click-click sound irritating enough, but you are not collecting your moon-shaped nail ends to be disposed of in a trash receptacle. Those nasty bits of your body are flying all over the damn place! Do us all a favour and CUT YOUR NAILS AT HOME.
2. Do not put your bag on the seat beside you.
Okay, news flash jerk: that bag is a knockoff, not an authentic Gucci. Put it on your lap so someone can sit down in that seat. If your faux designer bag is so important that it requires its own seat on the train, then maybe it should also be wearing a seatbelt, in case of a crash. Since there are no seatbelts on trains, I recommend you take a taxi to work. Also: if your bag IS on a chair, and I get on the train, I will want you to move it so I can sit down. I will stand in front of that seat and stare at you, hoping you will get the hint and move the bag. If you don’t, I will verbally ask you if I can sit there. And honey, if you don’t move fast enough, I am going to pick up your bag, sit down in that seat, dump your bag on the (dirty, wet and slushy) floor in front of me and if you have a problem with that you can tell it to Transit Control.
3. Do not sit while a pregnant, elderly or disabled person stands in front of you.
Are you an idiot, or just an *sshole? Take off your iPod, sweep your emo bangs outta your eyes and pay attention to the world around you for just a minute. See that old lady with the cane who’s too intimidated by you and your teen buddies to ask for the seat? She’s standing right in front of you, desperately trying to make eye contact with you, so that you realize she’s there and can courteously offer her your seat. Oh, don’t you pretend she’s not there, I am watching you buddy. In about three seconds I’m going to go over there, nudge you with my foot, and loudly tell that elderly lady that you just gallantly offered her your seat. And if you don’t move, I’m going to spend the remaining twenty-three minutes of your commute making your life miserable. TRY ME.
4. Oh my god do not eat your Limburger cheese and sardine sandwich on the subway.
Do you have any idea at all how bad that smells? You’re a jerk just for EATING THAT SH*T, let alone eating it in a public place! Oh and thanks for leaving the garbage lying about. Glad to see your mother raised you right. Sh*thead.
5. Wait until passengers have exited the train before boarding.
OH SORRY FOR SHOULDER CHECKING YOU! But you were in my way. Listen, I know you’re not trying to squeeze through the crowd of people exiting the train because you don’t know any better. There are stickers on the doors, posters everywhere and even audio announcements asking you to be courteous and not rush the train doors. So I’m going to have to assume you’re just a big fat *ssface. You picked the wrong person to shove out of the way, sweetheart. When I’m mad, I’m STRONG.
6. The subway is not your bedroom.
I know it’s hard to stay awake sometimes, after a long day at the office. Plus, maybe the rocking motion of the train reminds you of when your mommy used to rock you to sleep (three weeks ago)? Whatever the reason, if I’m sitting beside you and you nod off, I hope you don’t lean your head on my shoulder or slump against me because OMG I DON’T KNOW YOU GET OFF ME!
7. Control your monkey children.
Seriously? You’re just gonna sit there and watch while Mommy’s Little Hooligan runs around kicking people and trying to haul them out of their seats? While they climb all over the seat beside me trying to get a look out the window, putting their wet slushy boots on my lap in the process? While they throw Cheerio missiles at other passengers from the baggie of dry cereal you let them eat on the train? Without so much as an apology for your child’s appalling behaviour? Don’t worry, I understand you might be meek and perhaps do not have authority over your child. I will school Little Johnny, trust me. He (and you) might not like it but if you don’t do your job, some stranger’s gonna do it for you.
8. Controlling Little Johnny does not mean BEATING HIM ON THE TRAIN.
I’m actually a little surprised to even be putting this here. I mean, I always assumed that people who hit their children knew it was wrong and would maybe be careful not to do it in public. But no. The other day I watched someone pull Little Johnny’s pants down and smack his bum right on the subway platform. Not, that in itself is a little shocking but not too bad – I believe in corporal punishment when trying to control little brats. But when Little Johnny tried to escape his mother’s clutches and she grabbed him by the hair and shoved his face into the side of a pay phone to stop him escaping? Well, that was just a bit much. I would have done something too, except that Transit Control was already on it. Huh. Those security cameras are monitored after all. Who knew.
9. Don’t be drunk on the subway, please.
And if you are, bring a plastic bag with you. Seriously. It’s a long way to the end of the line, it’s late and we’re all tired. Plus, I think you had fish for dinner. Dude. You’ve got a problem.
10. NO FARTING!
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