Okay so here’s something you don’t know about me: I looooooove superstitions. They make me squeal with glee. Not because I actually believe that shit – but because it makes life interesting. I mean, you can totally break up the monotony of a nine-hour drive up into Northern Ontario by doing things like holding your breath as you pass cemeteries and lifting your feet off the floor of the car if you’re going over a railroad track… and there are just so many other juicy ones, like throwing salt over your shoulder if you knock over the shaker (extra points for aiming at the goddamn ankle biter in the booth behind you who’s been kicking your seat for twenty minutes) and making a wish at 11:11 (which I did this year – twice – on January 11th and where is my pony, thank you very much?).
One “superstition” I particularly enjoy is reading my horoscope. I normally don’t put much stock in it but the past week has been extra freaky for my friend Michelle and I in the horrorscope department. Check this out:
This holiday season, the drama llama came to visit. I tried so damn hard to make it awesome and it just… wasn’t. I was super sad about it until, the day before the offending parties flew the coop (or the llama pasture, as the case may be), I read my horoscope as published in Eye Weekly:
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
After all this time trying to keep up with the Jones’, you finally get a peek at what the Jones are really like deep down inside and it’s not very nice. The selfish, manipulative behaviour of some people you once admired makes your own family look like the freaking Cleavers. Maybe where you come from isn’t so bad after all.
Whoa, Nelly! How accurate is this? I’ve busted my butt for YEARS trying to rock the casbah, and I’ve finally come to the realization that I am just too awesome for some people to handle. My horoscope just reiterated it for me. The grass ain’t always greener on the other side, kids. But it’s green like dolla dolla bills over here!
Now my friend Michelle had a crazy experience of her own. Last week, she found 30$ in the pocket of a seldom worn cardigan, she realized she forgot to cash her last 2010 paycheck, AND a former employer in (the much loathed country of) Australia she’d been fighting with for almost 9 months finally decided to pay her for the overtime she’d worked before blowing that penal colony pop stand. She says when she read her weekly horoscope, her skepticism vanished:
Gemini May 21-June 20
G’day, Gemini! Things are definitely looking up for you this week. You’ll find money where you least expect it, like in the bottom of a reusable shopping bag, or on the ground when it falls from the pocket of the Aussie bloke who just rained blows on you for asking him if he was descended from rapists. Crikey!
So? Do you read your horoscope? Do you believe in it? Did you have to give up your much-loved zodiac sign to become a… a… Ophiuchus??? If you’re one of the unfortunate souls who had to move to a new zodiac address, I feel for ya… I missed that boat by one day. But don’t worry, we still love ya.
