Well, I talk a good game about liking to bullshit my way through recipes, dancing to the beat of my own drum, et cetera. Usually it works out very well. Other times I create serious culinary disasters. This is one of those times.
I stumbled across an entry recently on a really super blog – whatsonmyplate.net. This is quickly becoming my favourite foodie blog. The author, Tonya, is a fantastic photographer (I love love love photos of food!) and I love her ideas and recipes. One in particular piqued my interest – homemade mustard! It seemed ridiculously easy. Soak mustard seeds in vinegar, then plunk ‘em in the food processor with some salt and some sugar. Next thing you know I’m as sexy as the Barefoot Contessa and I’ve got my own show on the Slice Network. Right? No, Jennie, that’s bullshit. But anyway, I decided to give it a go.
My first mistake was cockiness. I read the blog post once and thought I got the gist of it well enough to go it alone. So I got some mustard seeds, threw ‘em in a bowl with like, half a litre of cider vinegar, and let those two naughty ingredients have at it!
Some of the mustard seeds are rebels and floated to the top
My second mistake was um, not adding the three tablespoons of water, thinking such a minute amount was probably unnecessary. Boy was I wrong! I’ll get to that in a moment though.
So anyway, the mustard seeds swelled so much that after 24 hours I had to transfer the whole mess into my big blue plastic bowl. I should have thought of that.
Big fat mustard seeds om nom nom
My third mistake was not watching my time properly. I put them in on Saturday around noon and they were supposed to be in two days, but it was Monday night before I got to them so they soaked about two and a half days. I didn’t think it’d make much of a difference. Obviously in this story, thinking isn’t what I do best.
So Tonya’s recipe said to soak them two days then put the mixture in a food processor and pulse to desired consistency. But remember how much vinegar I used? There was quite a bit of liquid left over. I wanted to drain it, but can I just tell you what little BASTARDS those mustard seeds are? Slippery jerks, every one of ‘em! They kept escaping with the vinegar down into the sink. My metal strainer’s holes were too big, and so… I used coffee filters. It was a right freaking mess. I’m an idiot.
Anyway, finally I got rid of the liquid, plopped half the (nose-burning holy god vinegar stinks) mixture in the food processor with an unmeasured bit of salt and sugar (of course) and whizzed it all up:
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
And then, with stomach-churning anticipation and glee… I tried my first spoonful of homemade mustard.
AND IT WAS TURRIBLE, TURRY!
It was seriously vile! All I could taste was cider vinegar and it stung the back of my throat like a thousand tiny axe-wielding vinegar-soaked fire ants! My nose hair curled up and fell off, isweartogod.
Oh, I was so disappointed. But then, the peanut gallery (aka a friend who was visiting but was wisely staying out of firing range) suggested I rinse the vinegar off the remaining mustard seeds and try a second batch. Which in theory is a stellar idea, but did I mention what slimy bastard those mustard seeds are?
Anyway, I did what my friend suggested, but not before fortifying myself with much-needed liquid courage, because it was THAT KINDA DISASTER:
I might look rough, but isn't that a great shirt?
To make a long story short, it didn’t work, the mustard still sucked, I am a failure, and I am never cooking again the end.
JUST KIDDING. I think, though, that I’ll stick to Maille brand from here on out. Sometimes you can’t improve on perfection :)
