Author Archives: gwenstyles

If your life was a game of Jeopardy, what would your dream categories be?

Posted by on February 22, 2012 1 comment

1. Barenaked Ladies Songs
2. Quotes From The Family Guy
3. Men Think Farts Are Funny. Deal With It.
4. The Arnold Schwarzenegger Accent (Get in the choppah! Arghgwerhhh!)
5. Shameless Franglais 101
6. How Robot Chicken Improved My Quality of Life
7. How Much it Sucks That There Are No Ponderosas or Olive Gardens in Canada
8. “He…. Looka Like a Man”
9. Indian Coworkers Who Love Shania Twain
10. How to Drive Your Mother Mad Just By Being Fifteen

Bonus Round:

1. 90′s rap lyrics

The Pee Pee Dance

Posted by on February 17, 2012 No comments

We’re just going to file this in the “TMI Jennie, what were you thinking?!” folder. I know my readers don’t REALLY need to know this, but I need to blog more frequently and, well, my life isn’t always very interesting. So you’ll just have to tolerate the crap I put up, won’t you? Well, or not I guess. Whatever. I’m posting about pee today and it’s too late to change my mind.

I drink a lot of water. I aim for two liters a day, but usually manage about one and a half during working hours. Problem is, I hate wasting time, and the washroom is all the way over on the other side of my department. A solid 3 minute walk each way. Which isn’t really that far, but when you factor in a six minute round trip with the three to four minutes it takes to… ahem… take care of business, we’re up at ten minutes for each pee break!

So I’m often jumping up and down in my chair, jiggling my leg and yes, pressing my hand up against it like that’ll really help keep the pee in. Thank goodness my desk is at the end of an aisle and nobody ever walks by my cubicle.

I never ever leave my desk to go to the washroom until it’s a life-or-death situation. And GOD HELP THE PERSON who sees me in the hallway and wants to chat with me about something, be it work-related or not.

SRSLY, CAN YOU SEE MY EYES WATER? CAN YOU SEE HOW MY THIGHS ARE PRESSED TOGETHER? CAN’T YOU SEE THE LOOK OF SHEER PANIC IN MY EYES? LET A GIRL SEE A MAN ABOUT A HORSE ALREADY!

I am Without a Heart, And The Space Has Been Broken

Posted by on January 14, 2012 No comments

Actually it’s my toe that was broken! It happened in late November. Don’t ask me how I did it, though. I mean, well of course I stubbed my toe and that’s how it broke, but I am ashamed (actually not that ashamed hah) to admit I don’t remember doing it. I went to my friend Michelle’s house for dinner one night before the holidays, you see, and we had some wine. Then we went to the liquor store and bought… more wine. When that wine was done, we went to the bar next door to Michelle’s house (how convenient is THAT?!) and had whiskeys. That’s where it gets a little hazy. Michelle and her fiance poured me into a streetcar and I magically floated home, where I put myself to bed without having three bowls of cereal or emptying my sock drawer, honest.

When I woke up the next morning, I was a bit hungover, but not that bad. I did the whole take-stock-before-moving-or-opening-my-eyes thing, and went through The Hangover List, one by one:


1. No headache, good.
2. No nausea, good.
3. Little thirsty, no big deal.
4. Pain scan… good, good, so far so… WHAT THE HELL?

Just after I stretched my legs, I wiggled my toes. Stars exploded in my vision and I was immediately sick to my stomach. The baby toe on my right foot suddenly became the centre of the universe and everything pulsated around it, absorbing it, trying to deflect the pain of it, simultaneously keeping it at bay and swaddling it tight to ease the torture.

I attempted another wiggle. This time, I could not contain myself, and I cried out in pain. Which brought my teenage daughter in to investigate why mom’s crying like a baby at seven thirty on a Sunday morning. Here’s the exchange that occurred:

Gwen Junior: What’s wrong, Mom?
Gwen: I think my toe is broken.
Gwen Junior: What?! How’d you break your toe?!
Gwen: I can’t recall, actually.
Gwen Junior: Mother. Did your toe get broken because it was drunk? *chuckles*
Gwen: Yes. *hangs head*

SO THEN I DID WHAT ANY RATIONAL PERSON WOULD DO. I took three Tylenols, put on a pair of Birkenstocks and went out for brunch with my girlfriends because nothing makes a broken toe bearable like three dollar bloody caesars and brunch.

A Promise To Myself

Posted by on November 19, 2011 3 comments

For a long time I thought I had my shit together. But it turns out I’m still carrying all sorts of baggage around, and I hadn’t yet taken the time to sort my shit out, if you’ll pardon my French. Instead, I was avoiding. I was keeping myself busy. I was pretending. It’s time for change. That change starts today.

That’s not to say I’m unhappy. Far from it! But I’ve taken a step back from a lot of things in order for me to be able to concentrate on making myself whole again. I’ve got a lot of work to do. I’ve narrowed down my goals into three tangible, attainable targets. I intend to improve:

  • My career prospects
  • My relationship with my daughter
  • My health
To that end, I’m working to eliminate distractions and stressful, unhappy situations from my life so that I can concentrate on the three targets above. And I’m making lists. Have I ever mentioned how much I love making lists?
So, here are my lists. By sharing them with you, I hold myself more accountable. I’ll touch base and update on progress, and you can ask how I’m doing, too!

Career Prospects/Work and Community Involvement
  • March with my brothers and sisters in the Evict Rob Ford rally tomorrow. 
  • Attend NDP Leader’s Levee Saturday night in a pretty black dress. Hand out business cards. Make contacts. Look for opportunities. Enjoy spending time with like-minded folk who have like-minded goals. 
  • Run for the position of Secretary on the executive of my union’s area council.
  • Find someone to nominate me as a delegate to our regional Labour Council.
  • Bug my manager to (finally!) implement the career development portion of my most recent performance evaluation.
  • Join some committees and working groups. It’ll look good on my resume.
  • Volunteer at a soup kitchen. It’ll feel good in my heart.
Relationship with Gwen Junior
  • Start a Saturday afternoon hot yoga routine at Moksha Yoga Uptown (only seven dollars!).
  • Hire a math tutor – sit with them and help.
  • Write a weekly letter to her, and encourage her to do the same.
  • Try to weasel my way back onto her Facebook hahaha
  • Teach her to cook.
My Health
  • Aforementioned weekly hot yoga.
  • Buy a pair of ice skates – skate for free Friday nights.
  • Check out the lane swimming up the street once a week.
  • Stop eating such bullshit! Like, seriously!
  • My friend Mitchell (you like what I did there, M?) just sent me this brown rice detox thing – maybe I’ll try that.
  • Get a solid eight hours sleep.
  • Drink more water!