Author Archives: gwenstyles - Page 2

If your life was a game of Jeopardy, what would your dream categories be?

1. Barenaked Ladies Songs
2. Quotes From The Family Guy
3. Men Think Farts Are Funny. Deal With It.
4. The Arnold Schwarzenegger Accent (Get in the choppah! Arghgwerhhh!)
5. Shameless Franglais 101
6. How Robot Chicken Improved My Quality of Life
7. How Much it Sucks That There Are No Ponderosas or Olive Gardens in Canada
8. “He…. Looka Like a Man”
9. Indian Coworkers Who Love Shania Twain
10. How to Drive Your Mother Mad Just By Being Fifteen

Bonus Round:

1. 90′s rap lyrics

I am Without a Heart, And The Space Has Been Broken

Posted by gwenstyles on January 14, 2012 No comments

Actually it’s my toe that was broken! It happened in late November. Don’t ask me how I did it, though. I mean, well of course I stubbed my toe and that’s how it broke, but I am ashamed (actually not that ashamed hah) to admit I don’t remember doing it. I went to my friend Michelle’s house for dinner one night before the holidays, you see, and we had some wine. Then we went to the liquor store and bought… more wine. When that wine was done, we went to the bar next door to Michelle’s house (how convenient is THAT?!) and had whiskeys. That’s where it gets a little hazy. Michelle and her fiance poured me into a streetcar and I magically floated home, where I put myself to bed without having three bowls of cereal or emptying my sock drawer, honest.

When I woke up the next morning, I was a bit hungover, but not that bad. I did the whole take-stock-before-moving-or-opening-my-eyes thing, and went through The Hangover List, one by one:

1. No headache, good.
2. No nausea, good.
3. Little thirsty, no big deal.
4. Pain scan… good, good, so far so… WHAT THE HELL?

Just after I stretched my legs, I wiggled my toes. Stars exploded in my vision and I was immediately sick to my stomach. The baby toe on my right foot suddenly became the centre of the universe and everything pulsated around it, absorbing it, trying to deflect the pain of it, simultaneously keeping it at bay and swaddling it tight to ease the torture.

I attempted another wiggle. This time, I could not contain myself, and I cried out in pain. Which brought my teenage daughter in to investigate why mom’s crying like a baby at seven thirty on a Sunday morning. Here’s the exchange that occurred:

Gwen Junior: What’s wrong, Mom?
Gwen: I think my toe is broken.
Gwen Junior: What?! How’d you break your toe?!
Gwen: I can’t recall, actually.
Gwen Junior: Mother. Did your toe get broken because it was drunk? *chuckles*
Gwen: Yes. *hangs head*

SO THEN I DID WHAT ANY RATIONAL PERSON WOULD DO. I took three Tylenols, put on a pair of Birkenstocks and went out for brunch with my girlfriends because nothing makes a broken toe bearable like three dollar bloody caesars and brunch.

“Natural” Soda Pop? What the Zevia?!

Posted by gwenstyles on October 18, 2011 1 comment

Today I enjoyed an impromptu food court lunch with a good friend: intrepid gossip blogger and general internet shockster, SoJu.

Drunk karaoke - circa January 2011

Okay well “enjoyed” might be misleading – actually it was the crappiest shawarma I’ve had in months. What’s up, Anoush? You did not bring your A-game today! The company was lovely, though.

After walking with Soju to the scene of her meeting in Yorkville, I decided to have a wander through Pusateri’s on my way back to the office. For those of you who don’t know – Pusateri’s is a chi chi frou frou gourmet food store where lunch costs 85$ and they offer valet parking and pet minding for your diamond-collar-studded yapper named Pookums.

So I poked around for a while, but eventually I got tired of being shoved and jostled by wealthy matriarchs and sunglass-wearing socialites who could obviously smell the middle class on me and did not spare the snake eyes. So I grabbed the cheapest drink in the cooler and got the hell out of Dodge. Read more »

Just a Car Crash Away

Posted by gwenstyles on October 15, 2011 4 comments

Last night, I was minding my own business, just heading to Red Lobster for some crab legs with my gentleman friend. I was looking forward to the hot savoury biscuits and the mid-week alcoholic beverage I planned on ordering (don’t look at me like that, Dad, I’m a grown up and I’ll drink vodka on Thursdays if I wanna!) and was just explaining to my companion that I really didn’t understand the appeal of drawn butter with seafood cause, well, it’s just freaking butter and who put butter on meat, anyway?

As we were preparing to pull into the parking lot, we noticed some shit-for-brains on one of those e-bikes zooming down the sidewalk. The sidewalk! Whatta jerk! He was weaving from side to side too – it was ridiculous. So we’re just about to make a right turn into the parking lot (using the driveway with the big IN sign, cause we like obeying signs yo) when a dude in a white work van makes a left turn into the street (from the IN driveway, because he’s a rebel who disobeys signs I guess). This guy was seriously ugly – bright yellowish red afro that started right at the top of his head because of his receding hair line, a sleeveless basketball jersey, and crazy I’m-on-crack bugged out eyes.

Well, he didn’t look where he was going when he pulled out, because he was too busy cackling at e-bike guy, and he T BONED ANOTHER CAR! We saw the whole thing. Read more »