Tag Archives: friends

Jealousy: I Has It!

Well, sort of.

When I set out to write this post, I didn’t know whether to use the term jealousy or envy. I looked up the definitions of both, and found that neither really applied:

jeal·ousy Noun. Feeling of resentment against someone because of that person’s rivalry, success, or advantages.

en·vy Noun. A feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc.

I’ll try to explain what I’m feeling, and then I hope that you, gentle reader, will help me find the words to describe what I’m feeling.

Many of my friends and family members are experiencing great change and/or happiness right now. Roslyn, my dearest friend since high school, gave birth to her fourth beautiful child this year. @ms_snickerpants, one of my very best friends, is getting married to the man of her dreams. My friend Isabel has just moved to South Korea where she is embarking on a great adventure teaching English and exploring the world. You can read about her adventures here. My youngest brother and my stepsister have both risked everything to make their dreams come true, and have emerged victorious in love and acceptance. My new friend Val turned her entire life upside down to finally be true to herself, and is now a proud, confident, happy Lesbian woman (not that she wasn’t before, but not having to hide your feelings and beliefs must feel so empowering and uplifting).

So here’s the thing: while I do have my own awesome stuff going on right now, I’m also jealous of the serious fabulosity my friends are enjoying right now. But jealousy isn’t the right word, because what I feel isn’t negative in any way, shape or form. I don’t wish to have what they have, and I don’t wish for them not to have it. I don’t feel they don’t deserve it, and I certainly don’t feel I deserve it more.

So what, exactly, am I feeling? Is it a simple matter of being happy for them? Because I am. So much. But there’s got to be a word for it! Can you help?

Randomandomalities

Posted by gwenstyles on August 5, 2011 4 comments

After a tumultuous half year of helplessness, anger, heartbreak, tentative hope, healing and finally, strength and newfound happiness, the desire to write is slowly returning to me. However, I’m still feeling a bit disjointed (and my heart’s all aflutter, but that’s a story for another day) so I’m going to ease back into it slowly, if that’s okay with you, with a series of what I like to call randomandomalities. Read more »

Jumping In Head First

Posted by gwenstyles on March 25, 2011 1 comment

I’m a girl who likes a good adventure.

I think I’ve always been this way, but in the last few years various circumstances, obligations and commitments, along with a healthy dose of career building, have prevented me from doing as many bold, daring things as I’d have liked.

Actually, that’s not quite true. At any point I could very well have said, “Okay here we go!” but you know how it is: when you get busy, you get complacent about your life, until you wake up one day and realize that life is passing you by. Sometimes going through the motions of the day is just so draining that there’s no room left for adventure, or exploration, or even happiness.

Isn’t that sad?

Well, I’ve awoken from my reverie, and I’m ready to go. I’ve decided that this year is a year of change for me, and it’s a year of self-discovery. I plan to get excited, take a risk, take a stand, love my life, love other people, love myself, and mostly, to drop all of my preconceived notions.

And last night, that’s exactly what I did.

Sometimes you think you’re not ready for something, and when you just close your eyes and jump right in, you realize that the only thing holding you back was yourself. Let me tell you what I did last night. I tried something new. Several somethings, in fact.

I started with barbequed duck. So what, you’re thinking, lots of people eat duck. And that’s true. But I didn’t. I thought I didn’t like it. As it turns out, I like it very much. It wasn’t my first time eating duck – I also had it last Saturday, and that WAS my first time. And both times it was delicious.

Next up was Burdock root. When I saw that on the menu, my curiosity was instantly piqued. I love vegetables, but being a small-town Canadian, my range is somewhat limited. Burdock isn’t native to Canada so you can’t really buy it at the local supermarket. Unless you live in Toronto and take the streetcar to Chinatown. But I digress. So the kinpira gobo was ordered and thoroughly enjoyed. It really was fantastic – gobo is a root vegetable, which I happen to love, and it was lightly sauteed in sesame oil with carrots and black sesame seeds. It had a spicy aftertaste thanks to some red pepper flakes. Amazing.

The last thing I took a chance on surprised me very much. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I love Japanese food and sushi, but I’ve never had raw fish. I tell people I don’t like it but in reality, I’m just afraid. Again, it’s the preconceived notion that meat and fish should be cooked. So I’ve always stayed away from sushi that had fish in it, and if you can believe it (most people can’t) California rolls were also on the banned list. Why? I don’t know. The crab (usually imitation) isn’t raw. Maybe it was idea of eating roe that grossed me out (I’m not a caviar kind of girl*). Anyway, I was in such an adventurous mood last night that I thought, what the hell. And guess what.

You guessed it. I loved it.

I thought a lot about this on my way home. I thought I didn’t like this stuff. I thought my life was full enough without it. I thought what I liked, what I ate, and what I had was good enough. But when you fall into the good enough trap, sometimes you don’t see the really, truly fantastic things that are right in front of you.

And then, when you open your eyes and see that you’ve jumped head first into something amazing, you wonder why you waited so long to take a risk.

* Actually… maybe I am!!!

Horoscope Shmoroscope. NOT.

Posted by gwenstyles on January 20, 2011 2 comments

Okay so here’s something you don’t know about me: I looooooove superstitions. They make me squeal with glee. Not because I actually believe that shit – but because it makes life interesting. I mean, you can totally break up the monotony of a nine-hour drive up into Northern Ontario by doing things like holding your breath as you pass cemeteries and lifting your feet off the floor of the car if you’re going over a railroad track… and there are just so many other juicy ones, like throwing salt over your shoulder if you knock over the shaker (extra points for aiming at the goddamn ankle biter in the booth behind you who’s been kicking your seat for twenty minutes) and making a wish at 11:11 (which I did this year – twice – on January 11th and where is my pony, thank you very much?).

One “superstition” I particularly enjoy is reading my horoscope. I normally don’t put much stock in it but the past week has been extra freaky for my friend Michelle and I in the horrorscope department. Check this out:

This holiday season, the drama llama came to visit. I tried so damn hard to make it awesome and it just… wasn’t. I was super sad about it until, the day before the offending parties flew the coop (or the llama pasture, as the case may be), I read my horoscope as published in Eye Weekly:

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
After all this time trying to keep up with the Jones’, you finally get a peek at what the Jones are really like deep down inside and it’s not very nice. The selfish, manipulative behaviour of some people you once admired makes your own family look like the freaking Cleavers. Maybe where you come from isn’t so bad after all.

Whoa, Nelly! How accurate is this? I’ve busted my butt for YEARS trying to rock the casbah, and I’ve finally come to the realization that I am just too awesome for some people to handle. My horoscope just reiterated it for me. The grass ain’t always greener on the other side, kids. But it’s green like dolla dolla bills over here!

Now my friend Michelle had a crazy experience of her own. Last week, she found 30$ in the pocket of a seldom worn cardigan, she realized she forgot to cash her last 2010 paycheck, AND a former employer in (the much loathed country of) Australia she’d been fighting with for almost 9 months finally decided to pay her for the overtime she’d worked before blowing that penal colony pop stand. She says when she read her weekly horoscope, her skepticism vanished:

Gemini May 21-June 20
G’day, Gemini! Things are definitely looking up for you this week. You’ll find money where you least expect it, like in the bottom of a reusable shopping bag, or on the ground when it falls from the pocket of the Aussie bloke who just rained blows on you for asking him if he was descended from rapists. Crikey!

So? Do you read your horoscope? Do you believe in it? Did you have to give up your much-loved zodiac sign to become a… a… Ophiuchus??? If you’re one of the unfortunate souls who had to move to a new zodiac address, I feel for ya… I missed that boat by one day. But don’t worry, we still love ya.