Tag Archives: Totally Weird - Page 2

Horoscope Shmoroscope. NOT.

Okay so here’s something you don’t know about me: I looooooove superstitions. They make me squeal with glee. Not because I actually believe that shit – but because it makes life interesting. I mean, you can totally break up the monotony of a nine-hour drive up into Northern Ontario by doing things like holding your breath as you pass cemeteries and lifting your feet off the floor of the car if you’re going over a railroad track… and there are just so many other juicy ones, like throwing salt over your shoulder if you knock over the shaker (extra points for aiming at the goddamn ankle biter in the booth behind you who’s been kicking your seat for twenty minutes) and making a wish at 11:11 (which I did this year – twice – on January 11th and where is my pony, thank you very much?).

One “superstition” I particularly enjoy is reading my horoscope. I normally don’t put much stock in it but the past week has been extra freaky for my friend Michelle and I in the horrorscope department. Check this out:

This holiday season, the drama llama came to visit. I tried so damn hard to make it awesome and it just… wasn’t. I was super sad about it until, the day before the offending parties flew the coop (or the llama pasture, as the case may be), I read my horoscope as published in Eye Weekly:

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
After all this time trying to keep up with the Jones’, you finally get a peek at what the Jones are really like deep down inside and it’s not very nice. The selfish, manipulative behaviour of some people you once admired makes your own family look like the freaking Cleavers. Maybe where you come from isn’t so bad after all.

Whoa, Nelly! How accurate is this? I’ve busted my butt for YEARS trying to rock the casbah, and I’ve finally come to the realization that I am just too awesome for some people to handle. My horoscope just reiterated it for me. The grass ain’t always greener on the other side, kids. But it’s green like dolla dolla bills over here!

Now my friend Michelle had a crazy experience of her own. Last week, she found 30$ in the pocket of a seldom worn cardigan, she realized she forgot to cash her last 2010 paycheck, AND a former employer in (the much loathed country of) Australia she’d been fighting with for almost 9 months finally decided to pay her for the overtime she’d worked before blowing that penal colony pop stand. She says when she read her weekly horoscope, her skepticism vanished:

Gemini May 21-June 20
G’day, Gemini! Things are definitely looking up for you this week. You’ll find money where you least expect it, like in the bottom of a reusable shopping bag, or on the ground when it falls from the pocket of the Aussie bloke who just rained blows on you for asking him if he was descended from rapists. Crikey!

So? Do you read your horoscope? Do you believe in it? Did you have to give up your much-loved zodiac sign to become a… a… Ophiuchus??? If you’re one of the unfortunate souls who had to move to a new zodiac address, I feel for ya… I missed that boat by one day. But don’t worry, we still love ya.

Those Kids and Their Silly Jibber Jabber

Posted by gwenstyles on January 18, 2011 4 comments

Sometimes I feel silly writing parenting blog posts. Mostly because they’re about my teenage daughter, and I am fully aware of the fact that I am way too young to have a teenage daughter. But I have her, and like it or not*, she’s here to stay.

Despite my beauty and youth, however, I am often made to feel old and out of touch by many elements of my daughter’s day-to-day life. One such element in my apparent loss of fashion sense – the childish fantasies I had of sharing a wardrobe with my someday daughter never came to pass, mostly because I wouldn’t be caught dead in what she likes (and vice versa, I’m sure, but I’m pretty hot so I don’t worry about it that much).

What’s really made me feel a million years old recently though is the slang I hear coming out of her face. It’s just so stupid that I want to eat nails. Here are a few examples:

Legit. Legit is a word that teenagers nowadays are using in inappropriate contexts, to emphasize the… legitimacy of their statements. For instance: “Okay so when I got off the bus I legit stepped in a puddle,” or “that boy is such a nerd, he legit plays chess in the caf.”

Awks. Abbreviation for the word awkward. Often used in its place, or on it’s own as a one-word indicator of just how ridiculously fucking awkward they are, feel or consider the situation to be.

ROFL. Now we all know what this means on the internet – Rolling on the Floor Laughing. It’s been around since day one. But what you might not know is that kids are now verbally saying ROFL instead of actually rolling on the floor laughing. They pronounce it “raw-full“. They usually say it with a straight face to demonstrate how “scene” they are and then get very angry when you implement Operation ROFL’s Plan B (forced rolling/laughing by way of armpit tickle).

Loafting. I actually overheard my daughter use this term (via eavesdropping) a few weeks ago in a discussion with her girlfriend about how lazy said girlfriend’s boyfriend’s best friend’s little sister is. “Everytime I see her at school she’s just loafting around in the halls…” was as much as she was able to get out of her mouth before I burst through the door and demanded to know what the hell that stupid word meant. She looked at me like I was a third-grade dropout and replied, “it’s not even slang, Mom. Look it up. It means a slothful person who just bums around doing nothing.” I stared at her in disbelief before replying, “DO YOU MEAN LOAFING? IS THAT THE WORD YOU MEAN? YOUR ENTIRE SHIT-FOR-BRAINS GENERATION ADDED A SUPERFLUOUS LETTER T TO A PERFECTLY FUNCTIONAL WORD AND YOU’RE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I’M THE CRAZY ONE? Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

True. Another real word used inappropriately, most often to convey assent or agreement. Me: “Gwen Junior, your turquoise Manic Panic hair dye has stained the bathroom sink. Go scrub it right now or you can’t go on the internet.” Gwen Junior: “True.”

Someday, I’ll be cool again – when my daughter’s my age and she’s busy freaking out over how stupid her kids sound. Silly kids and their jibber jabber. Back in my day…

* Most of the time I like it… she’s generally pretty rad.

Lemme Ask You Something

Posted by gwenstyles on December 1, 2010 3 comments

What do you do to calm down when you’re stressed out?

Do you eat? If so, what do you eat?
Do you go out? If so, where do you go?
Do you pamper yourself? If so, what do you do?
Do you exersize? If so, what’s your routine of choice?
Do you drink? If so, what’s your poison?
Do you lash out at others? If so, what’s your Modus Operandi?

Sometimes It Still Hits Me…

Posted by gwenstyles on November 29, 2010 9 comments

… and it probably will with more frequency, and with more punch, once he actually enters office.

I am still heartsick, Toronto, that Rob Ford was elected mayor of our great city.

Photo © cbc.ca

What hurts me most did not appear in any newspaper, on any blog, or through any social media. It’s something I heard him say at the York Woods Library Theatre on October 6th, 2010, during a debate hosted by Toronto’s Latin American community:

“Investing in sports is a great way to engage youth and get them off the streets, because all boys love football and the girls follow them by becoming cheerleaders.”

I don’t really want to discuss or debate the why’s and the wherefore’s, or get into any long drawn-out discussions about the election. I just want to express my sadness and my nervousness about the next four years. This is not a man who will look out for my best interests as a woman. I don’t really consider myself a feminist but holy crap, Toronto, what are we going to do?